Published in the Ferndale Record-Journal, January 2, 2008
I suppose there’s nothing wrong with resolve. Determination and grit are useful characteristics. But for too many of us, another year brings the relentless personal barrage of self-inflicted, self-improvement projects.
Sometimes they pan out, but most of us lose interest or discipline and end up feeling like pond scum because we blew it—again. For me, giving up this annual reformation effort has been liberating.
However, in the spirit of new beginnings, yet standing firm in my preference to permanently relinquish annoying New Year’s resolutions, I’ve decided to share my version of promises to keep for 2008.
I resolve to have dessert for breakfast on New Year’s Day.
I promise to never buy an album by Celine Dion.
I resolve to never pick up the check after a dinner out and say, “Let’s see what the damage is.”
I vow to keep watching a lot of TV in 2008.
I pledge to drink Dr. Pepper every time I dine on Mexican food.
This year, I will stand on my treadmill.
I promise to always enjoy looking at Johnny Depp.
I resolve to never own a reptile.
If I come into a ridiculously large sum of money in 2008, I promise to buy a cobalt blue Volkswagen Cabrio.
I resolve to never forsake my search for the perfect brownie.
I pledge to not visit Malaysia.
I promise to not eat licorice or watermelon.
This year, I will take a nap whenever I get a chance.
I firmly resolve to stay in our galaxy in 2008.
I promise I will not wear any clothing made from robin-egg blue polyester.
I will not go fishing on the Bering Sea this year.
If I get married in 2008, I pledge that I will have German chocolate cake at the reception.
This year, when I am excited about something, I will not use the words “psyched” or “stoked.”
Whenever I can, I resolve to stay in bed past dawn.
I promise to read something.
I pledge to laugh until I cry and my stomach hurts.
In 2008, I resolve to proceed with encouraging my son in perfecting the art of the deep, long belch.
I vow to never eat pickled pig’s feet in 2008.
I will not start smoking or drinking.
I promise to not buy margarine when butter is available.
I resolve to not view anything featuring Larry The Cable Guy.
I pledge to never wear pantyhose except for when I deem it absolutely necessary to appear in better form than I really am.
I vow to keep my unblemished record of never watching American Idol.
In 2008 I will maintain my belief that chocolate is its own major food group, and I will continue to consume the minimum daily requirement.
I promise that I will not pay to see a horror movie.
I resolve to play Guitar Hero with my teenaged son this year, and maybe even practice it while he’s at school.
I pledge that I will never dress in real clothes when I can get away with wearing jammies.
I vow to live yet another year without doing yard work of any kind.
And last, perhaps to an editor’s chagrin, I will never use five words when I can use fifteen—and that’s a promise.