School Pictures: The Good, The Bad, And The Really Bad

Published in the Ferndale Record, September 30, 2015

It’s that time of year.

Cameras are poised, little heads are done up with gel and bows, photographers practice their best kid-speak to produce winning smiles. But when you’re an adult working in a school, you get your picture taken, too.

I don’t know many grown-ups who are casual about having a portrait taken of themselves. Most of us don’t like it – at all. Selfies? Oh sure, bring on the phone! Best friend’s birthday? Jump in the shot! But, sit on a little podium by yourself between a paint-spattered backdrop and a professional photographer? Um, no thank you.

However, the buzz in the teacher’s lounge is EVERYONE has to have a picture taken, “for school records.” So we do, and we hate it.

As the school Administrative Assistant, it’s my job to hand out the pictures when they arrive in the mail. Just to be nice, the company taking the shots, gives each staff member a free picture packet – complete with an enormous 8×10 where nasal hair can actually be counted, two 5x7s to presumably use for target practice, some wallet size (because everyone carries wallet size pictures these days), and don’t forget the tiny ones to share with all of our friends!

Almost without exception, when a staff member sees his or her school photo, their response is something like, “Oh NO! Oh, please. Oh.. just. Oh no..” Nothing against the photography, just the massive, single face on the page.

A couple of years ago, most of the staff hated their pictures so much that one of us, with a particularly artistic bent, decorated the wallet sized photo of anyone willing to share. These were classic: missing teeth, eye patches, scars, and most notably, one of us was made into a clown. I kept these posted in my office to the delight of adults and small children alike.

The good pictures: These are, in my opinion, almost all of them. Even ones teachers hate of themselves, are good. They’re representative of that person. You recognize who you see in the picture. It makes you happy inside – if you’re not the person in the photo.

The bad pictures: These are the ones where someone was obviously trying too hard to look nice or different. You don’t know exactly what it is, but something’s wrong. It looks pretend, weird, or makes the viewer feel uncomfortable somehow. We’ve all seen these – or been in one.

The really bad pictures: These are, of course, the most hilarious. A school photographer usually gives you one shot. They may capture a surprise look, like you were caught picking your nose, or your smile is clearly fake. Maybe the spinach you ate for lunch is lodged in your teeth. That decision to get a haircut before picture day was a really bad idea, or maybe you should have rethought the lime green argyle sweater.

This year, I know what I’ll wear, how I’ll smile, what to do with my hair. Odds are I’ll still hate it. No big deal. Thank goodness for retake day in November, when we’ll all get another chance at a really bad photo.

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