Bacon Love — Just Accept It

Published in the Ferndale Record, July 18, 2012

Arguably one of the most disturbing TV commercials in recent months is one in which a seemingly ordinary young man, maybe 25-years-old, announces to his mother that he’s going to marry bacon.

His confused mother’s face pales when he says he’s not marrying a girl. But we don’t get to see her expression when he gushes, “It’s bacon!”  Maybe it’s better that we don’t.

What’s timely and interesting about this advertisement is that, well, it’s clearly not too far from the truth. The crazy, obsessive love of this particular food makes people do odd things. The simple thought of including bacon on, around, in, or under other foods has captivated our culture. Is it the nitrates and nitrites? The salt? The fact that there are absolutely no redeeming health properties associated with a strip of sizzling pig?

An article on stltoday.com, out of the St. Louis suburb University City, illustrates this point. A woman returned home to find she’d been burglarized, but the would-be thief was standing at the stove frying bacon. Apparently, his pockets were full of her belongings, and the resident and her friend were able to keep the perpetrator detained until police arrived.

This really says something about bacon love. The burglar, obviously possessing the awareness of a slab of concrete, opted to take extra time to locate the bacon, find a pan, and heat up the stove. To him, it was worth the risk. Even though a clean getaway was assured, he said to himself, “Hey! There’s bacon in the fridge. As long as I’m here, why not fry some up?” That’s dedication.

We’ve seen Baconnaise on store shelves, heard reports of bacon-flavored soda, and maybe even used bacon lip balm. And don’t forget those practical and useful bacon-related products. Some of the best from oddee.com are: Adhesive bandages that look like strips of bacon, bacon-flavored dental floss ($1.95), a bacon wallet that comes with the tag line, “Now you can truly be the man who brings home the bacon,” and from Seattle’s J&D Foods, perhaps the most fitting final tribute to the astute bacon zealot, a bacon-style coffin, “painted to look like rashers of bacon.” But wait, there’s more! The casket comes with a bacon air freshener inside. If you don’t believe this, just ask Google.

In the commercial, there’s a wedding scene. That’s right—the man actually marries bacon. For just a second, the mother, wearing a look of resignation, and a lovely pink suit, can be seen in the background.  She’s there to support her son, even if his true love is bacon and he is an idiot. Maybe she’s contemplating the little Grand Bacon Bits that could result from this union. Yes. I just wrote that.

But it’s hard to blame anyone who adores bacon. I will admit it’s greasy, evil, fattening, greasy, unhealthy, addictive, and greasy. I prefer mine crispy, bordering on burnt, generously crumbled onto a baked potato or a Cobb salad, or my favorite way—in strips, lying across fresh, sliced tomatoes on a sandwich made with hunky bread and mayo.

Or sometimes, I just prefer to watch Kevin Bacon. You knew that was coming, right?

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