Losing My Grip (Like I Ever Had One To Begin With)

It doesn’t happen often anymore.. so when it does, it exacts a hefty emotional toll.

The boy is leaving me.. not physically yet, but in every other way he can. Today he says “you pissed me off.” This is valid.. and I have a pretty tough skin. I can take that. But when he mentioned his dad understands him so much better than I do, it ached out loud.

Well, of course his dad gets him better than I do. They’re both male.. he’s growing up.. he needs his dad. Trouble is.. I spend more time with the boy.. and dole out most of the discipline. I’m also the one who watches SNL with him every week, takes him to school every day, expects more of him.. pops for Subway often enough, and likes to think we had a bond. Until today. Now I feel like so much pond scum.. and a little embarrassed that I ever could have thought he and I were close at all.

It’s not about me, I know. It’s about a teenager and his needs.. and I’m the adult, so I get to be the tough one. Only I don’t feel so tough right now.. only mushy.. and thinking about how this letting go business hasn’t gotten any easier, even with all the practice I’ve had.

So.. he belongs to himself.. and his dad. Me? Not so much..

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4 thoughts on “Losing My Grip (Like I Ever Had One To Begin With)

  1. ah, this is heartbreaking. I get the same treatment from my oldest daughter. She has always preferred her Daddy over me, even though I’m the one with her. Daddy doesn’t nag, or tell her to wash her own dish, or check her homework…Daddy also doesn’t remember to pick her up when he’s supposed to, nor ensure she has something to eat other than ramen and a stick of gum.
    I’ve come to understand that children will always hurt the parent they depend on the most. It doesn’t make us moms hurt any less, but I believe that understanding is the first step towards healing a hurt. No matter what he/she says, or does, our children know that we will always be there. Dad might not be so they tend to hold on tightly.
    I commend you on doing an awesome job on mothering that young man. If you were fly-by-night, undependable, and crude, that young man would never tell you what he’s honestly thinking or feeling at any moment (like he’s doing now). He’s trusting your judgment and knows you’ll let him change his mind about his feelings without throwing them back in his face.

  2. Marcella.. you’re very wise.. thank you for your comment. I’ve relaxed a bit since this post.. but think you’re on target with your thoughts. I want open and honest dialogue with him, no matter the cost.. and sometimes, as you know, it hurts. But at the same time, the hurt inside of him tumbles out in what I hope is a cleansing way. He has a good father.. and a semi-sane mother :).. who both love him very much. We’ll keep on keeping on!

  3. Wow. That must be tough. I really felt for you when I read this post. My boy is still young but already he has a very strong bond with his dad. I feel I’m looking on half the time. He is still young (9). I still get cuddles. I’ll just enjoy them for as long as they last.

  4. Sylvia.. thanks for the comment! I’ve learned they’re never too old for a hug, or a quick tousle on their shaggy heads. He needs it as much as I do.. he just doesn’t admit it. They grow up SO quickly, no?

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