It doesn’t happen often anymore.. so when it does, it exacts a hefty emotional toll.
The boy is leaving me.. not physically yet, but in every other way he can. Today he says “you pissed me off.” This is valid.. and I have a pretty tough skin. I can take that. But when he mentioned his dad understands him so much better than I do, it ached out loud.
Well, of course his dad gets him better than I do. They’re both male.. he’s growing up.. he needs his dad. Trouble is.. I spend more time with the boy.. and dole out most of the discipline. I’m also the one who watches SNL with him every week, takes him to school every day, expects more of him.. pops for Subway often enough, and likes to think we had a bond. Until today. Now I feel like so much pond scum.. and a little embarrassed that I ever could have thought he and I were close at all.
It’s not about me, I know. It’s about a teenager and his needs.. and I’m the adult, so I get to be the tough one. Only I don’t feel so tough right now.. only mushy.. and thinking about how this letting go business hasn’t gotten any easier, even with all the practice I’ve had.
So.. he belongs to himself.. and his dad. Me? Not so much..