Tonight I took myself out to dinner. It was mostly to escape four teenage boys that took over my house. But hey, I had to eat, right?
I’m searching lately. Trying to find out what my life before today means, and what it will mean from now on. So, after dinner I drove and then drove some more.
I found myself in front of one of the first homes I lived in with my new husband–way back in 1975. It’s been redone, updated. But I parked for a minute and noticed how small it looked. But then we didn’t need anything more. I remembered my time there as, well, “shiny.” I was young, our marriage was new. All things were possible, sparkly, and tinged with raw emotion.
I liked the girl that lived there all those years ago. She was hopeful, fun, and wore her heart on the outside. For just a minute or two, I wanted her back. But she wasn’t very brave. And I need brave right now.
Then I went to another house. It was a split-level we lived in from 1977 to 1988. Also updated. I paused there, too.
I brought three new babies to that house. The young mother that lived there during those years was frantically raising children, keeping a marriage together, and making sure everyone else was happy. There were great .. joyous moments. But there was a lot of grief, too.
I came home to my house now.. full of boys exploding with hormones. I was glad to be here, even though the cat missed the litter box and that meant cleaning up after her, and even though I didn’t completely figure things out on my drive through the past. I’m hoping little pieces of the puzzle will come together eventually.
Mostly, I think, I can’t live in the yesterdays.. although they beckon. I could so easily stay stuck. It’s almost scary thinking about how easy that would be.
I liked, even loved those times.. but they have to inform my present and future, both of which are patiently tapping their toes in the wings.. waiting for my full attention.
The search continues.. but I’m closing in.